The Syracuse Pre-Game

The Huskies travel across the country to depressed, lonely upstate New York to take on the vaunted Orange of Syracuse.

As I spent four years of college in this area, I am well acquainted with the land of Carousel Mall, fem-mullets, and retirees gambling away their pensions at Turning Stone Casino.

The Carrier Dome: The stinky, moist armpit of college football.

One of the beauties of upstate New York.
Yikes.

The Orange have fallen on hard times recently winning only 5 of their last 23 games. The ‘Cuse will also be unveiling their “quarterback of the future” in Andrew Robinson – a sophomore who figures to have a talent level similar to Jake Locker’s…if Jake was a 4-foot tall leper with goo for hands.

Andrew Robinson: Dennis the Menace plays football? This guy looks like the neighbor kid you used to hit with a stick.


Otto the Orange:
Twice the quarterback Robinson will ever be.

PREDICTION TIME

The Vegas line says UW will win by 3.

Phil Steele (some college football “expert” who’s “job” it is to predict scores) takes the Dawgs in a 24-23 win.

Bob Condotta of the Seattle Times predicts a 24-13 win for the Huskies.

But most importantly, The Dawg Dude’s Patented PS2 NCAA Football Game Simulation System predicts a 28-7 Husky victory. And by “simulation” I mean that I played the game (on the ‘Heisman’ level – I’m not one of those ‘All-American’ pussies) and was left breathless by Jake Locker’s talent, even in pixelated, 3″ x 2″ form (10-14 passing for 229 Yds with 1 TD and 11 carries for 93 Yds and another TD) as well as the stout Husky defense (190 total yards and 3 sacks).

So unless Otto the Orange takes over at QB and the ‘Cuse quickly recruit an offensive line of fem-mulleted upstate NY hog mollies, I just don’t see the Dawgs having much trouble with this one.

Recent UW Football Highlights

Here’s a nice highlight package from the last few years courtesy of supremescreamer1 to wet your appetite for Friday’s ’07 season opener.


I know digging up Husky highlights from the last few years is as difficult as finding recent pics of Britney Spears not looking like a fat transsexual, but it is a well made video with some great UW plays sprinkled in. And let’s be honest, we’ve all been turned on by a fat transsexual at least a couple dozen times.

2007 Washington Huskies Season Preview

The two most important aspects of this upcoming season have to be:

1) UW plays what is widely considered to be the most difficult schedule in all of college football. Yowza. This is good in that we could really make a statement by beating such quality opponents, but is terrifying as a season-opening loss to Syracuse could lead to an 0-7 start and a shitstorm of Gilbertsonian proportions.

Look at the schedule following the Syracuse game:

Sept. 8 BOISE STATE (Preseason Rank: 24)
Sept. 15 OHIO STATE (11)
Sept. 22 at UCLA (14)
Sept. 29 USC (1)

Good sweet God. Our freshman quarterback better grow up quickly.

Luckily that QB is this man:


Jake Locker:
A gun-slinging, bull-dozing, punkass-slapping
Jesus-Beast.

Which brings me to my second point:

2) Jake Locker. Jesus Christ. Jesus Locker. Jake Christ. Take your pick, it doesn’t matter – this kid is The Savior. Locker’s first start against Syracuse is the most anticipated debut of a Husky football player ever.

His mythical standing comes from leading Ferndale High School to a 14-0 record and the 3A state championship while throwing 27 touchdowns (and only 3 interceptions), rushing for 24 more, earning Parade All-American honors, and leading the league in demons cast into hell. The Jesus-Beast can do it all: run, pass, catch, kick, hold, long-snap, cure disabilities, walk on water, everything.

He’s the real deal.

How are the Syracuse defenders supposed to stop a guy who can conceive immaculately? Furthermore, I expect Locker to impregnate the Orange defense All. Night. Long. (and depending on the length of the game) ’til the break of dawn.

2007 Season Predictions

According to most “college football experts”, the 2007 season looks bleak for the Huskies. The combination of the nation’s #1 most difficult schedule and a redshirt freshman starting quarterback has many pundits picking UW to finish near the bottom of the Pac-10.

However, those pundits don’t realize that this frosh QB is seven feet tall and can shoot fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. And by that I mean, he carries the ball like a running back, has improved passing accuracy, and is unusually poised for a 19 year-old quarterback…and can shoot lightning bolts out of his ass.

On to the punditry:

Jimmy Boyd’s Locksmith Sports picks U-Dub to finish 8th in the Pac-10. Jimmy also looks like a Grade A douchebag, so his opinion doesn’t count for much.

Sports Projections also has the Huskies finishing 8th in the Pac. Project this: you guys are idiots. It appears they failed to take this defensive end into account:


Greyson Gunheim. On this play, he ran across the field, made the tackle, and then ate the ballcarrier. No, I didn’t stutter. He fucking ate him. It was chilling.

The Tucson Citizen predicts Washington will finish 9th in the Pac-10. The Tucson Citizen also has a tiny penis. Hey, it needed to be said. True story.

At least College Football News is on the right track. They picked UW to play Utah in the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. Finally some experts with an accurate analysis. Though I’m not sure why they spelled Rose, “Bell Helicopter Armed Forces.” Weird.

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