What the Fuck is Going on in Eugene?

It’s a goddamn free-for-all down at Nike U.

Seven University of Oregon players have either been charged with crimes, are under investigation of breaking the law, or have been kicked off the team in the past month alone.

Luckily for Oregon, that anklet goes great with Rose Bowl losses.

The Ducks crime spree started in late January when star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli and non-star wide receiver Garrett Embry were accused of stealing laptops (MacBook Pros no less – the same model TheDawgDude is getting ball cancer from right now typing this on his couch), a digital projector, and a guitar from a fraternity house.

Look how he gently cradles the MacBook to avoid putting pressure on the hinges – you think he’d do that for a fucking Dell?

Neither player has been charged at this point, but Embry has been kicked off the team to take the fall for the much more important and, in this keen observer’s opinion, better-looking player.

Note to Garrett: either get much better at football or stop stealing shit. Either way, get a face transplant ’cause your smile sucks ass.

It’s shocking that Masoli is still on the team considering his criminal history. Here he is on the cover of Sports Illustrated sexually assaulting his center (on the cover!):

“Look, Ma, no hands!”

On February 15th, star running back LaMichael James was jailed after being charged with domestic violence for choking and slamming his girlfriend to the ground. Now I realize this is a horrible crime, but to be fair, this is James’ girlfriend:

Her labia alone can deadlift 600 pounds. Amazing!

Inconsequential kicker, Rob Beard, was also charged with misdemeanor assault after an altercation with a 19 year-old woman that left him in intensive care for two days. Here she is:

I’m telling you, these Oregon bitches don’t fuck around.

All of this theft and woman-beating prompted Oregon head coach Chip Kelly to address the media regarding the string of incidents involving his players as well as the scholarships handed out to the two juiceheads shown above.

“Have they killed anyone yet? No? Then get off my goody sack! Oh and has the devil’s cock been in my mouth? Well, ’cause it’s all red and tastes like the devil’s cock.”

Then, less than 24 hours after this press conference, linebacker Kiko Alonso was cited for driving under the influence. Wah, wah. And to add insult to injury, or in this case, racism to drunkery, wide receiver Jamere Holland went on Facebook and told the world how it was bullshit that Alonso was getting kicked off the team. Then he followed it up with this gem, “I wish I could block whites as friends and only have blacks LOL, cause apparently I’m misunderstood.”

It turns out that Alonso was only suspended for the upcoming season, but Holland, and his poor command of the English language, were booted off the squad immediately.

Upon seeing his first snowfall in Eugene, Jamere exclaimed, “Even the snow here is white!”

Josh Wolf of Fox Sports’ College Experiment has a nice breakdown of Oregon’s recent troubles:

This isn’t the first time Oregon’s football program has been in trouble either. Take a look at this savage beating put on Shasta, the University of Houston’s cougar mascot, back in ’07.

Absolutely horrifying.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up LeGarrette Blount, the Oregon running back who sucker punched a Boise St. player after a game last year.

LeGarrette not punching people in the face:

LeGarrette punching people in the face:

To make matters worse, reports are now surfacing that Duck Vader, Oregon’s hip and modern mascot, has been charged with giving a 13 year-old boy gonorrhea.

Jesus RoboDuck! Wash that bill!

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UW’s Recruiting Class: Highly Ranked and Beefy

The class was highlighted by #6 rated safety Sean Parker’s signing day decision to bitchslap USC and Michigan and become a Husky. Parker joins a group of 30 highly regarded players including #4 defensive tackle Sione Potoae, #5 guard Erik Kohler, and #9 guard Colin Porter (that’s over 900 pounds of dude right there.)

The Huskies have been struggling with line play for years, so the addition of these stud recruits is huge. And they aren’t merely big guys, they also have the agility to sneak into your house, fuck your wife, and escape unnoticed.

Sione is the #4 defensive tackle in America. His biceps alone are ranked #17.

Coach Sark held down the state of Washington by picking up 5 of the state’s top 7 recruits. And while he lost out on Washington’s top prospect, Quarterback (and Brighamite) Jake Heaps, Sark secured the commitment of highly regarded SoCal QB Nick Montana. Yes, Nick is the son of Joe Montana and his genetics are flawless. Take a peak at the Montanas on a recent beach outing:

The only thing smoother than Nick Montana’s throwing motion is his dad’s chest.

Mother Montana is a total MILFDIB (Mother I’d Like to Forge a Deep and Intimate Bond with).

Fun Fact: Nick Montana’s nipples majored in Glass Cutting.

So while Jake Heaps is the higher ranked QB prospect, I’ll take Nick and the fact that he doesn’t belong to a cult that believes some d-bag pulled the word of God out of a magic hat.

Now with Repression!

Sarkisian also made major strides in Hawaii by picking up four of the state’s top recruits – no one has hit the islands this hard since the Japanese Imperial Navy. Too soon?

Sark Stays Loyal to UW

When Pete Carroll announced he was leaving USC to become the head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, I had a horrible vision of Coach Sarkisian adjusting his Trojan visor and declaring to the media that he would be Carroll’s successor at Troy.

Luckily, uber-douche Lane Kiffin slithered in and begged for the job before the Sark-to-USC rumors got too serious. Here is an awesome song describing Runaway Lane’s escape to the Coliseum by Tennessee Vol fan Chris Vernon:

While we’ll probably never know how much interest Sark had in the USC job, it appears that he wasn’t willing to throw the Huskies under the bus after just one year and run back down to Watts ala Kiffen. If Sark continues to turn the Huskies around and gets them back to a consistent Top 25 ranking, he will definitely be considered for more USC-caliber jobs. But the fact that he potentially had a chance at taking over the Trojans and didn’t aggressively pursue it speaks volumes about his commitment to building something up here in Seattle.

Locker Returns!

The Dawg Dude was sitting on his couch fantasizing about Jake Locker returning to Washington for his senior season when Jake Locker announced he would be returning to the Washington for his senior season. When this news broke, not only was the Dawg Dude aroused to 2005 Jessica Alba levels, but the outlook for the 2010 Huskies improved dramatically.

Where were you when you heard the news?

Locker made his choice the same day ESPN analyst Todd McShay projected him to be the 1st pick in the 2010 NFL Draft. Crazy shit.

Next year, Jake will lead the Pac-10 in touchdowns and mediocre haircuts.

With a second season under Sark and the improving talent around him, Locker has a great shot to be in the Heisman discussion while the Huskies could compete for a Pac-10 title.

The only negative of Locker returning is that the Seahawks may now draft Notre Dame Quarterback Jimmy Clausen instead of Jake.

Jimmy Clausen showing off his controversial spiked helmet.


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