What the Fuck is Going on in Eugene?

It’s a goddamn free-for-all down at Nike U.

Seven University of Oregon players have either been charged with crimes, are under investigation of breaking the law, or have been kicked off the team in the past month alone.

Luckily for Oregon, that anklet goes great with Rose Bowl losses.

The Ducks crime spree started in late January when star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli and non-star wide receiver Garrett Embry were accused of stealing laptops (MacBook Pros no less – the same model TheDawgDude is getting ball cancer from right now typing this on his couch), a digital projector, and a guitar from a fraternity house.

Look how he gently cradles the MacBook to avoid putting pressure on the hinges – you think he’d do that for a fucking Dell?

Neither player has been charged at this point, but Embry has been kicked off the team to take the fall for the much more important and, in this keen observer’s opinion, better-looking player.

Note to Garrett: either get much better at football or stop stealing shit. Either way, get a face transplant ’cause your smile sucks ass.

It’s shocking that Masoli is still on the team considering his criminal history. Here he is on the cover of Sports Illustrated sexually assaulting his center (on the cover!):

“Look, Ma, no hands!”

On February 15th, star running back LaMichael James was jailed after being charged with domestic violence for choking and slamming his girlfriend to the ground. Now I realize this is a horrible crime, but to be fair, this is James’ girlfriend:

Her labia alone can deadlift 600 pounds. Amazing!

Inconsequential kicker, Rob Beard, was also charged with misdemeanor assault after an altercation with a 19 year-old woman that left him in intensive care for two days. Here she is:

I’m telling you, these Oregon bitches don’t fuck around.

All of this theft and woman-beating prompted Oregon head coach Chip Kelly to address the media regarding the string of incidents involving his players as well as the scholarships handed out to the two juiceheads shown above.

“Have they killed anyone yet? No? Then get off my goody sack! Oh and has the devil’s cock been in my mouth? Well, ’cause it’s all red and tastes like the devil’s cock.”

Then, less than 24 hours after this press conference, linebacker Kiko Alonso was cited for driving under the influence. Wah, wah. And to add insult to injury, or in this case, racism to drunkery, wide receiver Jamere Holland went on Facebook and told the world how it was bullshit that Alonso was getting kicked off the team. Then he followed it up with this gem, “I wish I could block whites as friends and only have blacks LOL, cause apparently I’m misunderstood.”

It turns out that Alonso was only suspended for the upcoming season, but Holland, and his poor command of the English language, were booted off the squad immediately.

Upon seeing his first snowfall in Eugene, Jamere exclaimed, “Even the snow here is white!”

Josh Wolf of Fox Sports’ College Experiment has a nice breakdown of Oregon’s recent troubles:

This isn’t the first time Oregon’s football program has been in trouble either. Take a look at this savage beating put on Shasta, the University of Houston’s cougar mascot, back in ’07.

Absolutely horrifying.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up LeGarrette Blount, the Oregon running back who sucker punched a Boise St. player after a game last year.

LeGarrette not punching people in the face:

LeGarrette punching people in the face:

To make matters worse, reports are now surfacing that Duck Vader, Oregon’s hip and modern mascot, has been charged with giving a 13 year-old boy gonorrhea.

Jesus RoboDuck! Wash that bill!

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7 Responses

  1. People in Oregon are just racist…in Texas, non-of these so-called crimes would have even been commented upon. Fuck whitey…

  2. I'd like to be the Lucky Pierre between those two beautiful ladies.

  3. lol

  4. Wow, did you Photoshop that UO Nike anklet, or is that a file photo?

  5. Going for SEVEN straight wins BITCH!!! That's right, SEVEN wins in a row over the shit eaters. One more thing; Don't get all righteous on the bad behavior by Duck players. The last time the huskies went to a rose bowl they had 12 to 14 players that needed a lawyer to appeaar in court with or for them including Jeremy "sodimizing rapist" Stevens.

  6. The moral to you moron husky blogger is DON'T THROW STONES!!!!!

  7. First of all, let me congratulate you on being able to speak English – most Duck fans I know speak a pigeon language of retarded and ignorant.With that said, you clearly have a poor grasp of internet technology as you couldn't manage to put both of your poorly worded, capitalization-abusing comments in one post.After the Ducks' crime spree in the offseason, it's no wonder why you are striking out at other teams to draw attention away from your charges of assault, domestic abuse, theft, weed, etc.In any event, I look forward to our meeting in Autzen this year and extend an invitation in advance to cover your anus before the Washington "sodomizing rapists" Huskies come down to Eugene and pummel you in your quacking naughty bits. Smooches,TheDawgDude

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