Bellotti Leaves Oregon, Mustache Rejoices

Oregon’s Athletic Director, Mike “Dirty Sanchez” Bellotti, resigned from his post today and trotted off to become ESPN’s resident college football analyst/staunch ‘stache supporter.

Back in the good old days: Bellotti may have been frowning, but his mustache was always smiling.
Sanchez moved from Oregon’s head football coach to athletic director after the 2008 season and then jumped ship just 9 months later. As AD, Bellotti routinely stuck his freshly waxed upper lip into football business; interrupting his successor, Chip Kelly, during sideline interviews about the team and talking over the coach about day-to-day football operations at press conferences. But that’s not what this move was about.
After the disaster of an offseason that Oregon has had, Bellotti decided to hop off the “Ride the Ducks” mobile before it sunk completely.
While he may not admit it, it’s clear that Oregon’s insistence that Bellotti de-stache himself to remain at the university eventually became too much for the lifetime mustache enthusiast to bear.
A clause in Bellotti’s contract at Oregon forced him to shave his mustache in 2007.

While Bellotti was a moderately successful college football coach, America knew him for his robust nose broom. Through victory or defeat, rain or shine, domestic violence or DUI, Dirty’s cookie duster was a fixture in living rooms across the country.
“You touch one kid in your van and now you’re a ‘monster’? C’mon!”

Rumors had been building for months that the mustache was fed up with hiding in the shadows/vacations of Bellotti’s private life and yearned to get back to its 2004 heyday when it highlighted a bobblehead doll that outsold all other sports-related, ‘stache-focused figurines in the greater Eugene area:

However, University of Oregon President and renown facial hair detractor, Richard Lariviere, balked at the ‘stache’s suggestion to grow back onto the scene. During an interview with KPTV-Portland, Lariviere explained his decision, “No employee of the University of Oregon will walk around with pubic hair on his face. Not on my watch.”

Oregon President Lariviere plans on outlawing all hair on campus by 2012.

While we bid a fond farewell to Bellotti, we can only hope that his mustache will become a staple at ESPN and recapture the tremendous power that it wielded since first sliding out of Mama Bellotti’s vagina on that fateful day in December 1950.

Good luck, sir!

2 Responses

  1. So, let me get this straight.Phil Knight and NIKE attempt ruin the Pac-10's reputation with a bunch of chick beating, laptop stealing, DUI slimeballs from the U of O. Then he tries to ruin golf by creating a Perkin's waitress humping blasian, and he is going to try to infringe on my college football enjoyment by putting the Barnum and Bailey Ringmaster on my f'n t.v. during non Oregoon games?Hey Phil Knight… what the F have I ever done to you?

  2. He saw you eyeing those Reeboks…

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