Get to Know a D-Bag: BYU

Brigham Young University: the land of no sex, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, facial hair, candy, hugs, fun, or independent thought. Don’t let this lovable kitten fool you – these folks will damn you to hell while sitting in your own living room wearing a pair of $8 slacks and a grin from ear-to-ear.
But we’ll get back to them later. The football team has won 10+ games in each of the last four seasons. Bronco Mendenhall is 49-15 (including 25-5 at home) in his five years of running the program. BYU is a well-coached and disciplined team that almost always gives opponents a good game. 
It doesn’t hurt that the “Notre Dame of the West” has a team full of players that are two years older on average than their opponents. After BYU players get back from their two-year mission of harassing heathens around the globe, they are physically and mentally more mature (all that browbeating hardens one’s soul) than their younger counterparts.

Oddly enough, 63 year-old Romney is younger than many BYU players.

The 2010 Cougars are not as strong as they could be after BYU all-time leading rusher, Harvey Unga, removed himself from the school after breaking the university’s Honor Code. BYU then chose not to reinstate him. So what did Unga, one of the best football players ever at BYU, do to get booted from the school? Steal a laptop? Marijuana possession? Cursing out the coach on his Facebook account? Nope, that’s Oregon territory. Unga did the unthinkable: had sex with his longtime girlfriend.

I know what you’re thinking: kicking him out of school is nothing – we should give him a 20-year prison stay. 30, even. This consenting adult had sexual relations with another consenting adult after being engaged in a three-year relationship. Fuck jail – obviously Utah still has the death penalty.

But to be fair, it’s situations like Unga’s that makes Mormonism my third favorite cult behind Heaven’s Gate and the Branch Dividians. And the best part is Utah leads the nation in porn consumption.

When Coach Sark attended BYU, he also had some issues with the Honor Code – reportedly not being a big fan of the mandatory daily shave (for some reason this link doesn’t work with Firefox – the Mormons must have added the web browser to their Ban List).

That may be. Luckily we accept other ethnicities into our university. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, Unga is Tongan, but you get my point. Don’t get your chastity belt in a bunch.)

So here’s wishing the Huskies go into Provo on Saturday and kick some BYU ass. Not just for the University of Washington and its fans, but for heathens, pagans, and sinners everywhere.

Go Dawgs!


4 Responses

  1. Is Unga playing for a new team? BYU is ridiculous. It's a shame Sark went there. Betcha he had sex.

  2. DawdDude you are too funny! I've been following you for some time and your blogs never disappoint. As much as I'm looking forward to the Huskies killing it this season, I'm also looking forward to your hilarious yet informative blogs. Keep it up and go DAWGS!

  3. ^^^*DawgDude

  4. Thank you very much – I really appreciate that.

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