Get to Know a D-Bag: Syracuse

I had been looking forward to this slanderous post about Syracuse because (unfortunately) I’m intimately familiar with the central New York area, but after reading a few articles on the cockiness of this team that went 4-9 last year, now I’m excited to write the post to smack some sense into these orange-clad idiots.

A pending sexual assault charge may keep Otto the Orange off the Syracuse sideline all year.

First of all, here is an article from The Daily Orange student newspaper proclaiming that the Orange defense is better than Nebraska’s due to its overwhelming “swag.” While this assertion is ridiculous, I’m impressed that a literate attends Syracuse.

The “swag” must come from going 4-9 last year with wins against college football juggernauts Maine, Akron, Northwestern, and Rutgers. And don’t forget the huge opening win this year over the Akron Zips (a team that lost to Temple by 39 in ’09).

It takes a powerful defense to bring down Zippy the mildly depressed kangaroo.

Oh wait, Syracuse had the best rush defense in the Big East last year?! Hold the phone! Congratulations – that’s like being the Tiger Woods mistress with “light” stretchmarks.

Here is a quote from ‘Cuse defensive end, Chandler “Smiles” Jones:

“You have a good quarterback — Jake, or Chris, Locker. Whatever his name is.”

Uh, Chandler, it’s Jake Locker and Chris Polk – they’ll be the guys tag-teaming you in your dreams on Saturday night.

It’s confusing that a team would be cocky after going 14-46 over the last five years – including a four-year, 10-37 run by former coach Greg Robinson.

Robinson’s players failed to respond to his “LOUD NOISES!!!” coaching technique.

If having a terrible football team isn’t enough, Syracuse is located in the country’s icy taint and specializes in crumbling industries, stringy mullets, and balls frozen to legs. The town’s economy would be booming if only one could export sadness.

Syracuse in July.

Syracuse football players coming to play in Seattle are like Cuban baseball players coming to play in America – watch out for defections.

Luckily, fans of the Orange that travel to Husky Stadium won’t get jealous because they won’t be able to see:

For more analysis of the game, check out the UW vs Syracuse preview at SeaTown Sports.

6 Responses

  1. "The town's economy would be booming if only one could export sadness." That is one of the great lines of all time.Great new logo!!!!!!!Don't be too hard on the Orange.-Mitch

  2. Can't wait to see some crushed oranges! Will TDD be at the game?

  3. I love how they are trying to overhype their defense like its something special. I really hope Locker and CO. see the post about it and smash em by even more. I don't know if the safety knows how big and fast jake is, saying they will hit him in the mouth, haha what a joke.

  4. off to the tailgate!! yeah i know the game aint till 4pm. somebody is gonna have to carry me in!!! what can i say, i bark for sark, GO HUSKIES!!!frkydawg

  5. @ frkydawg 6:50 AM – goddamn! Husky Nation is proud of you.

  6. just rolled back into home, what a hellova husky day!!! went just about as i thought it would. i have to admit i was a little taken aback down 10-0 tho, but our boys warmed up after that. good warmup for Huck the Fuskers!!!frkydawg

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